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you couldn't know
that the boy sitting
beside you in Advanced
English was going to
fetter himself to the ocean
and break the sound barrier (and
his mother's heart) with his

you couldn't know 
that the girl sitting three
rows back in Computing One-oh-One
would fall so deeply in love with
the colour of the sky that she would 
spend a summer practicing knots just to
mirror the pale, bloated hue.

you couldn't know
that the man walking by
at seven a.m. with a briefcase beneath
his arm was on his way to
blow his world apart, along with
half a dozen strangers.

you couldn't know
that the woman rushing through
the supermarket was on her
way to drown her sorrows
in the eyes of another woman
while her husband was busy
drowning in himself half a mile
and a gunshot away.

you couldn't know.
I would appreciate any thoughts or opinions you may have.
Add a Comment:
In Some Things are not Solid Outside the Mind, the writer has made what might have been a routine suicide piece much more wondrous. Her use of multiple individuals, each dying in a unique way, keeps the strong emotions of this piece coming throughout.

I particularly like the use of metaphor early in the piece instead of just coming out and saying how the person died. That this practice was not continued for the last two stanzas hurts the work a little, so I reduced by Technique rating, although at least by the time I had reached this point I was really taken in by the piece.

The term "you couldn't know" is repeated and quite haunting, as I was left wondering if someone was trying to make me feel better for walking by these people.

Certainly a dark, somber work; but one that gets me thinking, and I like it.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is just incredible. You took a topic that is hard to talk about and handled it so delicately, and in a way that really makes the reader stop and think about the people around them in their everyday lives. Or at least that's what I think it'll do for me for the next few days. Honestly, I think this is one of the best things you've ever written. :+favlove:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014   Writer
Thank you so much. :blush:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014   General Artist
intense and incredibly inked (figuratively speaking, lol) :heart:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2014   Writer
Thank you. :tighthug:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I personally like this piece because its subtle and yet open to interpretation about what you see and what really is. For instance:

the first example, to me, represents either schizophrenia or a sort of migraine-induced by stress. In essence, the child is in pain which is why the mother's heart is broken everytime she looks at him.

the second example, somehow, resonated some sort of psychological ailment... maybe the child has signs of Parkinsons Disease or is a patient of depression... Either way, spending the summers of her own free will, does make me wonder if she was born with it, or found her refuge in the sky (i.e. family history).

the third is a lawyer :bucktooth: it can't be anything else.... that or an IRS guy... or Edward Snowden.

the last one is tell-tale: a woman whose husband committed suicide and she's going to someone she trusts the most to vent. The reason could be one of the many reasons stated above:

maybe he was the lawyer; maybe he was the boy in the first stanza; maybe the woman he married was the girl in the second stanza, and in essence the third stanza is a reflection of their relationship...

Its a matter of perspective really - in that sense I like your poems. They're food for thought :) Well done :hug: cheers.
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2014   Writer
I really like your interpretation. :nod:

Thank you, once again, Shehroze.
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:) Anytime Ellie.

Keep writing :hug: You're awesome.
neonsquiggle Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Mmmm, so beautiful and painful and deep. 
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2014   Writer
Thank you. :nod:
ravingroshie Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Very good metaphors and agree, the repetition of you couldnt know, adds comfort, to a sad poem
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2014   Writer
Thank you!
saltwaterlungs Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is very thought-provoking. One of thos epoems that will make me spend the rest of my fay and tomorrow contemplating everything.
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2014   Writer
Thank you. :heart:
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Submitted on
June 15, 2013
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