Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconintroverted-ghost: More from introverted-ghost


Featured in Collections

Writing by MatieuCanadaWilliams

Literature by chromeantennae


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
February 13
Submitted with
Sta.sh Writer
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
235
Favourites
25 (who?)
Comments
18
×

One thousand black umbrellas

unfurl, nylon wings spread &

shadow strange faces: the

world fades, grey.

I would appreciate any thoughts or opinions you may have.
Add a Comment:
 

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconcality:
cality Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Fantastic imagery; I can picture this really clearly in my head. The dreariness of rain is nicely conveyed ("black", "shadow", "grey").

I actually kind of like walking in the rain (although I hate my shoes getting wet!) because the umbrella is something I can hide under... when I pass people in the street, if I have an umbrella open I tend to adjust its position so I can only see their legs/feet as we walk past each other, rather than making eye contact. ^^;

Also, I can sort of see where Adrolyn is coming from with their comment about the '&'. As already suggested, maybe removing it and using 'shadowing' instead of 'shadow' could work, or perhaps move the ampersand to the beginning of the next line, in front of 'shadows'? 

Wonderful poem overall. :clap:
Reply
:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner May 4, 2014   Writer
I do that with my umbrella too! :la:

Yeah, I'm still thinking about that ampersand. It's a tiny piece of grief. :grump:

Thank you!
Reply
:iconcality:
cality Featured By Owner May 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:highfive: :giggle:

My pleasure! :heart:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

And I'm alone, to walk away

into the shadows I forswore

Had I died in my dreams one day

I would be alone like the core

 

of my sadness that burns in the fire

of my darkened dreams, ashened pyres

 

(shrug)

Reply
:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014   Writer
Interesting. :nod:
Reply
:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
yeah :)
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hiding yourself off from the rain/world, perhaps? :?
(Either way, this is wonderful.)
Reply
:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2014   Writer

I was just out walking in the rain. :shrug:

(Thank you.)

Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Aaah.
Reply
:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2014   Writer
Takes away all the mystery. :grump:
Reply
Add a Comment: